Authentically Mine

Here it is the morning. I slept terribly last night. My neck hurt and could not get comfortable and when I finally did fall asleep I woke up at 4:30 AM and could not get back to sleep for a good 90 minutes. When I did fall back to sleep I had a dream that I befriended Brittany Spears and tried to convince her to turn her life around. Also in my dream her brother (?) hung out with us and he got into some trouble too. The funniest part of the dream was when we all went to church together and then out to dinner and Brittany did not pay her way at dinner, instead I had to. Yeah weird dreams.

Toss all that on top of not being able to stop thinking about what todaywill bring with Adam and the next day and longer term results of our conversation last night. I am waivering this morning. Maybe I AM making a mountain out of a molehill. Am I? I go back and forth. I just know that when I pictured being married and picuted myself with my husband I never pictured pot involved. Yeah I know - he smoked when I married him. The thing is I was so unsure of who I was when I married him, so happy to be loved by him that "that one little thing didn't matter".

I know I have no right but I want to cling to him and have him tell ME that it will be alright. That I am fair and right and just in asking him to stop. I know I sound insane and I should just count my blessings that he loves me and agreed to stop for me. I did the hard part, I asked him to stop. I don't think I should waiver now. It's not fair if I do, then no one knows where they stand.

I feel very vulnerable right now. I have lunch with Robin and Christine and Alexa and I have to go into work for an hour long meeting today at 3:15. I want to spend time with Adam tonight and just be...ya know. We'll see how it goes when I talk to him after he is done with work.