Authentically Mine

We have forward motion in my neice. 8 months and 1 day later she crawled. This was an amazing thing and the only sad part was that of course she did it for the first time at daycare instead of waiting until she was at home with my brother and sister in law.  Crawl baby crawl!

I have been holding off on taking the insulin for a few days – I could not bear dealing with a low – even now feeling better I am not looking forward to going back on it tomorrow. The numbers 1 unit of insulin for every 15 carbs just does not work consistently for me. The thing is no single number does work consistently so it is frustrating to me. I spoke with Dr. Endocrinologist today and she said that (before I stopped for a few days) my blood sugar numbers looked good, but that some of my fasting numbers 104 – 107 range were a little high and she might want to put me on a little insulin at night to bring them down to under 90.  I worry so much about going too low at night and would much prefer NOT to go on insulin at night, so I want to try and bring those numbers down but I also hate feeling like I am emaciated from losing so much weight and tired of feeling hungry...so we will see how I can balance it out over the next week to eat more and take more insulin during the day to accommodate for the more food and also not be above 90 at fasting….hmmm.

The weight thing is really bothering me. My size 4 pants are too big! A size 2 at The Gap Outlet fit me snugly. Something about even getting close to a size 2 makes me uncomfortable. I know some women would die for it but I don’t like how thin I am.

I want to get pregnant don’t get me wrong and I am going to all that I can to be trying and to be as healthy as I possibly can but I am also scared about the what if’s of diabetes and the possibility of increased risks. I know I have to believe that everything will work out as it should. I know that all I can do it take the best care possible of me. But still it is scary and I wonder if I am strong enough. I guess am just feeling a little scared by the possibility of the risks by all the stuff I can’t control.

I know the answer to help calm my fears but knowing the answer and embodying it and living it are different things. The former is easier than the latter for me. Faith. I need to reclaim my body – readjust to insulin and remember to have faith in whatever powers or being out there that is larger than me. Faith that the world will work out as it should for me. Faith. Maybe if I chant it enough I can ingrain it in me and it will become easier to live it.

I would like to thank the makers of Tylenol PM. After my first solid night's sleep in 2 weeks I feel much better this morning. I have no idea how long the feeling will stick around. I am just thrilled silly that I feel better this morning. Apparently right now Saturdays suck and Sundays are for feeling better.

There is a new guy in town. His name is Humalog and for those of you who have never met him before he is a fast acting guy that I get to be with at meal times every day right before I eat. Some days he is stronger than others, it depends on the meal really. I am going to have to get to know him and how sensitive I am to him to make sure that we strike a nice balance the two of us. We are going to be together for awhile so we will have to change as we need to togehter.

OK.

For anyone who's not following or who is annoyed with my similie I am talking about insulin. I started on a rapid acting insulin that I give to myself via a pre-filled insulin pen. No insulin pump, at least for now and to be honest that is fine with me. I have had no problems today day 1 just doing the quick dose and jab before a meal. The hardest part is getting the dosing right for each meal. My doctor has given me guidelines of how many units I should use before each meal, but it does have some variation depending on the meal and on me getting used to HOW QUICK the rapid acting insulin is.

Tonight the first night out of the gate it went.....ok. I probably should not have picked a night I already had plans to go out to dinner to start (counting the carbs in a restaurant meal is so much harder!). But I guessed, I gave myself the shot and I ate a bowl of pasta and a salad. Apparently I am more sensitive to insulin that the doctor thought or I estimated a bit too much insulin because even after a bowl of pasta I was too low.

But.

I know how to fix the lows so I corrected and now at bedtime I am a bit high but not too bad. We are going to have to learn this fine balancing act of dancing together and getting right with the insulin, but Humalog and I....we're going to make it work.

P.S. She gave me the go ahead to start trying to have a baby whenever I wanted. I have 2 more weeks of coming off of some other medication and then we will be good to start trying so we are thinking May; this way I will have plenty of time to get the insulin balance right w/o putting too much pressure on myself.

Give anything 24 hours and it will look different. This isn't the first time I have experienced that but I seem to keep forgetting it. It is amazing to me how much better I feel today than yesterday at this time. I

For whatever reason I just do. I think in part it has to do with the fact that it is 24-48 hours after I taper down on my meds that it hits my system so when I taper on Thursdays it hits me on Friday evening into Saturday. I guess it is good and bad that the hardest part was over a weekend.

24 hours and an email from someone I have never met but who has been through coming off of the same kind of medications - combine the two and I feel so much more comfortable and relaxed. Today on Easter I am thankful for being blessed with time, people who care and sunshine.

Maybe I am just having an easier day. This is in part why I want to write about this experience each day. It is so different day to day.

Whatever the reason I am not questioning it, but I will remember the next time I have a bad day...give it 24 hours.