Authentically Mine

If yesterday was hard last night and this morning were impossible. I couldn't sleep even with my friend Tylenol PM and I woke up from not sleeping (huh?) with a mind numbing crushing no holds barred headache. Adam being so sweet did everything possible to help me feel better. I know he feels so helpless and wants to do whatever he can to help me through this - the sad part is nothing but time can help. Time and a big ole cup of coffee apparently.

After trying several different things over the last few days to get rid of my headache. I finally sent Adam out for a cup of coffee. I know I can't drink it when I am pregnant but right now I am not pregnant and I had a rock star headache.

1 medium caffee latte worked wonders. My headache was gone. I still feel as if I am walking around in a surreal "floaty" state and I still have the little "zaps" that I feel but the headache is gone and for that I am so grateful.

I have had to stop worring about gettign the insulin right for now. As long as my blood sugar numbers are OK I am not worrying about them being in pregnancy range right now - again I am not pregnant yet. While I know how important it is to manage with insulin, right now I need to focus on getting myself feeling better then I can focus on straightening out using insulin again.

I have been keeping to myself the last week or so. Coming off this damn medication is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's no joke and nothing but the passing of time is going to help. I am making myself get out of the house every day and do something. Anything. Today even though I called it a week at work and took a sick day I managed to get out for a few hours and ended up with three pairs of spring shoes. It was the hardest shopping expedition I have been on in awhile.

I am now completely off of the Klonopin and Trazadone and have done it the "right" way, slowly tapering off of it with my doctor knowing about it. Whether or not we end up having a baby I want to be off of these meds. Being completely off of them feels great psychologically even if right now I feel terrible physically. I know it is just my body adjusting but man the headache the chills, all of it, yikes...It makes me a little mad at my doctor for not informing me more. I mean I had been an educated patient and I have read about the symptoms of coming off the medication but reading about it and really understanding it? A world of difference.

A few people have asked me why I don't call my doctor and tell her how much I have been struggling. Well, because I know she will try and prescribe me a medication (probably neurontin) to help me with some of the side effects of coming off of the klonopin and even if it will help I am feeling strongly right now that I do not want to put another pill in my body. As bad as I feel from the side effects of coming off of the klonopin I don't feel the anxiety (the reason I went on it). Basically I just want to get medication OUT of my system and nothing can help with that except time.

It is just baffling to me how it helped me so much but yet can be so "bad" in that it is so very hard to come off of. I am doing it but I never imagine I would feel so much and retreat so much. I guess it is just my body telling me to do what it needs to do which is rest and pamper myself a bit right now.

I would like to thank the makers of Tylenol PM. After my first solid night's sleep in 2 weeks I feel much better this morning. I have no idea how long the feeling will stick around. I am just thrilled silly that I feel better this morning. Apparently right now Saturdays suck and Sundays are for feeling better.

Truth be told people. I have hit my emotional wall or maybe I am hitting it as I type this but either way stick a fork in me. This is so hard. I feel so out of touch with my body right now it is like nothing I have ever experienced and I am not being melodramatic. I know it will pass but this post is not about optimism. This post is about me and life sucking right now. I feel like I am throwing darts at a dart board with how much insulin is right. I feel like I am on a very special "trip" all my own with coming off of my anxiety/depression meds. I am walking around in some kind of surreal state at the moment and I really want to call it a week and just give up for this week. But I have a presentation tomorrow and sitting around really isn't going to do much good anyway.

I am so out of my own self right now that I don't even feel like crying - in case you don't know me...that is unheard of. I am usually all strong - strong - strong - until - crash - and - cry. Am I really strong enough for all of this? At the same time I have this "just go through the motions and it will get better" sense. It is as if...I don't even really know what the right words are here....it is as if...ya know what? I don't know what it is because I have never felt it before. 

You know what it is like? It just came to me...I feel as if I really just need someone to manage me for for me for awhile. Spoon feed me my life.  Tell me exactly how much and when precisely to take my insulin and exactly the right meals to eat, tell me exactly what the best thing for me to do is when I feel X, Y, Z, someone to wave a magic wand and make sure I sleep soundly for 8 hours. God? Who knows, I have been praying like a fiend lately, maybe that is where the serenity is coming from but is it serenity or numbness?

I am all over the map. Stick a fork in me, call me done and just send me good vibes to get through Friday and get to my weekend.

Give anything 24 hours and it will look different. This isn't the first time I have experienced that but I seem to keep forgetting it. It is amazing to me how much better I feel today than yesterday at this time. I

For whatever reason I just do. I think in part it has to do with the fact that it is 24-48 hours after I taper down on my meds that it hits my system so when I taper on Thursdays it hits me on Friday evening into Saturday. I guess it is good and bad that the hardest part was over a weekend.

24 hours and an email from someone I have never met but who has been through coming off of the same kind of medications - combine the two and I feel so much more comfortable and relaxed. Today on Easter I am thankful for being blessed with time, people who care and sunshine.

Maybe I am just having an easier day. This is in part why I want to write about this experience each day. It is so different day to day.

Whatever the reason I am not questioning it, but I will remember the next time I have a bad day...give it 24 hours.