Authentically Mine

I have been holding off on taking the insulin for a few days – I could not bear dealing with a low – even now feeling better I am not looking forward to going back on it tomorrow. The numbers 1 unit of insulin for every 15 carbs just does not work consistently for me. The thing is no single number does work consistently so it is frustrating to me. I spoke with Dr. Endocrinologist today and she said that (before I stopped for a few days) my blood sugar numbers looked good, but that some of my fasting numbers 104 – 107 range were a little high and she might want to put me on a little insulin at night to bring them down to under 90.  I worry so much about going too low at night and would much prefer NOT to go on insulin at night, so I want to try and bring those numbers down but I also hate feeling like I am emaciated from losing so much weight and tired of feeling hungry...so we will see how I can balance it out over the next week to eat more and take more insulin during the day to accommodate for the more food and also not be above 90 at fasting….hmmm.

The weight thing is really bothering me. My size 4 pants are too big! A size 2 at The Gap Outlet fit me snugly. Something about even getting close to a size 2 makes me uncomfortable. I know some women would die for it but I don’t like how thin I am.

I want to get pregnant don’t get me wrong and I am going to all that I can to be trying and to be as healthy as I possibly can but I am also scared about the what if’s of diabetes and the possibility of increased risks. I know I have to believe that everything will work out as it should. I know that all I can do it take the best care possible of me. But still it is scary and I wonder if I am strong enough. I guess am just feeling a little scared by the possibility of the risks by all the stuff I can’t control.

I know the answer to help calm my fears but knowing the answer and embodying it and living it are different things. The former is easier than the latter for me. Faith. I need to reclaim my body – readjust to insulin and remember to have faith in whatever powers or being out there that is larger than me. Faith that the world will work out as it should for me. Faith. Maybe if I chant it enough I can ingrain it in me and it will become easier to live it.

My life has boiled down to 9 steps the last few days.

1. I count my carbs.
2. I take my insulin.
3. I eat.
4. ...and then I feel like I wait.
5. ...for two hours. Doing whatever it is I am doing to pass the time. Living life I suppose it is called.
6. Being super hyper aware of how I feel.
7. ...to catch anything that might be "off:
8. ...to wait to see if everything lined up as it should at the end of two hours.
9. Repeat 3 times a day

Truth be told people. I have hit my emotional wall or maybe I am hitting it as I type this but either way stick a fork in me. This is so hard. I feel so out of touch with my body right now it is like nothing I have ever experienced and I am not being melodramatic. I know it will pass but this post is not about optimism. This post is about me and life sucking right now. I feel like I am throwing darts at a dart board with how much insulin is right. I feel like I am on a very special "trip" all my own with coming off of my anxiety/depression meds. I am walking around in some kind of surreal state at the moment and I really want to call it a week and just give up for this week. But I have a presentation tomorrow and sitting around really isn't going to do much good anyway.

I am so out of my own self right now that I don't even feel like crying - in case you don't know me...that is unheard of. I am usually all strong - strong - strong - until - crash - and - cry. Am I really strong enough for all of this? At the same time I have this "just go through the motions and it will get better" sense. It is as if...I don't even really know what the right words are here....it is as if...ya know what? I don't know what it is because I have never felt it before. 

You know what it is like? It just came to me...I feel as if I really just need someone to manage me for for me for awhile. Spoon feed me my life.  Tell me exactly how much and when precisely to take my insulin and exactly the right meals to eat, tell me exactly what the best thing for me to do is when I feel X, Y, Z, someone to wave a magic wand and make sure I sleep soundly for 8 hours. God? Who knows, I have been praying like a fiend lately, maybe that is where the serenity is coming from but is it serenity or numbness?

I am all over the map. Stick a fork in me, call me done and just send me good vibes to get through Friday and get to my weekend.

There is a new guy in town. His name is Humalog and for those of you who have never met him before he is a fast acting guy that I get to be with at meal times every day right before I eat. Some days he is stronger than others, it depends on the meal really. I am going to have to get to know him and how sensitive I am to him to make sure that we strike a nice balance the two of us. We are going to be together for awhile so we will have to change as we need to togehter.

OK.

For anyone who's not following or who is annoyed with my similie I am talking about insulin. I started on a rapid acting insulin that I give to myself via a pre-filled insulin pen. No insulin pump, at least for now and to be honest that is fine with me. I have had no problems today day 1 just doing the quick dose and jab before a meal. The hardest part is getting the dosing right for each meal. My doctor has given me guidelines of how many units I should use before each meal, but it does have some variation depending on the meal and on me getting used to HOW QUICK the rapid acting insulin is.

Tonight the first night out of the gate it went.....ok. I probably should not have picked a night I already had plans to go out to dinner to start (counting the carbs in a restaurant meal is so much harder!). But I guessed, I gave myself the shot and I ate a bowl of pasta and a salad. Apparently I am more sensitive to insulin that the doctor thought or I estimated a bit too much insulin because even after a bowl of pasta I was too low.

But.

I know how to fix the lows so I corrected and now at bedtime I am a bit high but not too bad. We are going to have to learn this fine balancing act of dancing together and getting right with the insulin, but Humalog and I....we're going to make it work.

P.S. She gave me the go ahead to start trying to have a baby whenever I wanted. I have 2 more weeks of coming off of some other medication and then we will be good to start trying so we are thinking May; this way I will have plenty of time to get the insulin balance right w/o putting too much pressure on myself.

Today was one big long medical appointment but all with good outcomes and excitement. I started off the day going to the med doc who designed a tapering schedule for me to come off my meds that (was almost exactly like the one I did up on my own). Who should be paying who...:)???

My goal is to try and come off of all of my meds. All I can do is take it one day, one reduction at a time. Anyway if I can manage the taper schedule I will be all set to go at the end of April. If I need to both she and my OB/GYN said they are completely comfortable with me on a low dose of Zoloft if it makes it easier for me (if I need it). I much prefer not to but they were comforting and knowlegeable about it if I need to.

Switiching to appointment #2 - off Adam and I went to the OB/GYN. He was so awkward it was cute and I was completely clothed the whole time (no exam for this visit) it was just to talk about what screening and diagnostic tests are available so we can decide what we think about it all and talk about preconception stuff in general. Of course she gave me the BIGGEST HONKING prenatal vitamins ever. She said because of the diabetes it can only help me to start taking them now. Can you say welcome to nausea? I have never been able to take even a one-a-day without the queasies but again, I will do what ever I have to.

The last doctor appointment to cover for all of my pre visits is the Endocrinologist next week. Phew - then it is just a matter of doing what I need to do and then around the end of April beginning of May hope that all the years of trying not to get pregnant turn themselves around!

I am still debating on which Insulin pump to use.....pros and cons to both. As much as I like the idea of no tubing I am very much leaning toward this one that I have alredy posted about.

Sorry if my posts are not the usual thrill a minute *ROFLMAO* that they usually are. This is just a huge part of my life right now and I just find it helpful in relaxing if I can "dump" out all the thoughts here.