Authentically Mine

Today sucked basically but is ending on an OK note. We had a long, long repetitive and redundant talk and basically he doesn't understand why it is such a big deal to me. I told him I don't like that it is a habit. I told him it's not just recreational use, you have a habit and yes it is illegal. I had to stop him about a dozen times from telling me why it shouldn't be illegal. Personally I agree it shouldn't be but that doesn't change the fact that it is.

He was more upset that I "signed onto" our marriage knowing full well that he smoked and now am changing the rules (again) and telling him what to do. We went through something different where I didn't use the right words and it came out sounding like "NO I am telling you you cannot go" (to NY a week after 9/11 - he was concerned about friends and i was concerned about him going there).  Anyway, back to the story at hand. I told him people change and grow and it now bothers me. I told him "I take back what I said last night I am not telling you what to do - do what you want but I need to think about what that means for me." I said this is a no one wins situation. Either you do something you don’t want to that you know I want and the risk is you possibly come to resent me for it or I back down and I possibly come to resent that.

More back and forth and back and forth and after I said "I just don't know and I need to think about it," we parted ways. He came back to me a bit later said what if he keeps it totally recreational only - weekends and the occasional other time and it's not a habit. He said it will never interfere with plans we have (it never does now) agreed to keep it recreational only. I love him, and I am not willing to walk away over this so I guess I backed down a little but said that sounded like a better situation then where we were now and I think I could be OK with that.

Who knows? I just know that I am not willing to leave him over this. He is a wonderful husband in every other way and he is so accepting, supportive, giving, loving, accommodating and everything else. Yes, the illegal part still nags at me and I believe it is mainly driven by my upbringing and knowing my parents would disapprove. I also have to remember that as important as they are to me I am an adult.

So that is my story. All I know is that I feel emotionally drained but actually OK. I feel a little like I copped out on myself but I think I am preferring to call it a compromise because I really can't see myself leaving over this.

Here it is the morning. I slept terribly last night. My neck hurt and could not get comfortable and when I finally did fall asleep I woke up at 4:30 AM and could not get back to sleep for a good 90 minutes. When I did fall back to sleep I had a dream that I befriended Brittany Spears and tried to convince her to turn her life around. Also in my dream her brother (?) hung out with us and he got into some trouble too. The funniest part of the dream was when we all went to church together and then out to dinner and Brittany did not pay her way at dinner, instead I had to. Yeah weird dreams.

Toss all that on top of not being able to stop thinking about what todaywill bring with Adam and the next day and longer term results of our conversation last night. I am waivering this morning. Maybe I AM making a mountain out of a molehill. Am I? I go back and forth. I just know that when I pictured being married and picuted myself with my husband I never pictured pot involved. Yeah I know - he smoked when I married him. The thing is I was so unsure of who I was when I married him, so happy to be loved by him that "that one little thing didn't matter".

I know I have no right but I want to cling to him and have him tell ME that it will be alright. That I am fair and right and just in asking him to stop. I know I sound insane and I should just count my blessings that he loves me and agreed to stop for me. I did the hard part, I asked him to stop. I don't think I should waiver now. It's not fair if I do, then no one knows where they stand.

I feel very vulnerable right now. I have lunch with Robin and Christine and Alexa and I have to go into work for an hour long meeting today at 3:15. I want to spend time with Adam tonight and just be...ya know. We'll see how it goes when I talk to him after he is done with work.

I finally did it. I talked with Adam about "The White Elephant" that has been in the middle of everything for god knows how long now. "The White Elephant" that we have both been ignoring. Him smoking pot. He smokes it.  I hate that he smokes it. He knows that I hate he smokes it, he ignores that. I ignore that he smoke it. Yea THAT elephant.

To his credit he has cut way WAY back on it since we first got together. But I still hate it. Even more I hated that I had to have this conversation. He is so accepting of every single thing about me. I feel like a true and utter heel asking him to do this, especially when he agreed that he would. Yup I got my way and I still feel like crap. Why? Because I knew he smoked when we got married and now I am asking him to change something about himself. Maybe because I have grown since then. Maybe because it has taken me that long to realize how much I hate it. Maybe because I am scared.

I am scared that if he keeps smoking he will have a heart attack someday on that exercise bike because he smokes when he works out (contradictory activities trust me, I know). I am scared that someday my family will find out he smokes and I will have to make a choice between them and him - he would no longer be welcome at their home. I can't do either of those things. I can't live without him and I can't live without my family.

I believe that we will get past this, and it will make us stronger. I love him a lot. He obviously loves me a lot to agree to stop. I have no idea what the next few days will unfold. I have no idea if he will get mad at me, grumpy with me or what. I have a feeling that whatever happens I might be in for some, "well this is what happens when Adam stops smoking" type comments.

I made a commitment to me to be true to myself in 2008. Authenticity and Simplicity. Not liking him smoking does not mean that I don't love him and him smoking and me feeling this way is not a new thing - the big white elephant is not new to the family - but for whatever reason I had to talk with him about this now. Maybe I am strong enough now to start being true to what I feel. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but I know he hates it, he loves me but he hates that he is going to have to do this and no matter how much I am glad that he said he will do it, some part of me still feels sad.

Sometimes marriage is a lot of work.