Authentically Mine

I hate waking up with a sore throat. I was kind of ignoring the fact that I felt off kilter last night. I went to bed a bit early and was hoping to sleep off whatever was making me feel out of wack but woke up with a full-fledged sore throat. No white spots though so that's good. Adam was sick last week so it isn't entirely surprise to me that I am feeling under the weather. At least I know he felt better within a few days after it cycled from scratchy throat, to stuffy nose, to cough and then wa-la gone.

Things have been a little slow for me at work right now, they will pick up again soon, they always do. Still, I did not want to call in sick so here I am. Two meetings on the calendar for this afternoon. I just hope the day goes by quickly.

I have seen the initial design (the banner) for the new Smoochdog and I LOVE IT. Heather really does such an amazing job! I can't wait to launch the new and improved Smoochdog. I will keep you all posted. What I have not decided yet is if I want to port over the blog entries from here to the new Smoochdog. I would do it manually and I would only transport over the important entries (skipping the memes and silly posts). There are not that many posts here so I just might do it a little at a time over a month or so.

Claudia from the blog Out on a Limb also has another blog called Everyday Kindness. It is on Everyday Kindness that she has started first thinking about acts of kindness for herself and then got a group of readers who also wanted to join in participating in acts of kindness. After reading her blogs I too decided I wanted to make this commitment. Specifically, the commitment is to try and perform at least one act of kindness toward another every day. I would like to think that I am generally kind to others. I hold doors, I say please and thank you, I let people cross the street, pick things up when other drop them, etc. but I want to do more. I want to challenge myself to do at least one extra act of kindness each day.

I mean really, what will it take? A few moments perhaps. Maybe an hour if I am doing something significant like offering to drive someone to the airport (a common request with my family)

I have asked Claudia what I need to do to make it "official" and sign up to be on her Kindness blogroll. Won't you check out her blog and think of joining too?

I have been holding off on taking the insulin for a few days – I could not bear dealing with a low – even now feeling better I am not looking forward to going back on it tomorrow. The numbers 1 unit of insulin for every 15 carbs just does not work consistently for me. The thing is no single number does work consistently so it is frustrating to me. I spoke with Dr. Endocrinologist today and she said that (before I stopped for a few days) my blood sugar numbers looked good, but that some of my fasting numbers 104 – 107 range were a little high and she might want to put me on a little insulin at night to bring them down to under 90.  I worry so much about going too low at night and would much prefer NOT to go on insulin at night, so I want to try and bring those numbers down but I also hate feeling like I am emaciated from losing so much weight and tired of feeling hungry...so we will see how I can balance it out over the next week to eat more and take more insulin during the day to accommodate for the more food and also not be above 90 at fasting….hmmm.

The weight thing is really bothering me. My size 4 pants are too big! A size 2 at The Gap Outlet fit me snugly. Something about even getting close to a size 2 makes me uncomfortable. I know some women would die for it but I don’t like how thin I am.

I want to get pregnant don’t get me wrong and I am going to all that I can to be trying and to be as healthy as I possibly can but I am also scared about the what if’s of diabetes and the possibility of increased risks. I know I have to believe that everything will work out as it should. I know that all I can do it take the best care possible of me. But still it is scary and I wonder if I am strong enough. I guess am just feeling a little scared by the possibility of the risks by all the stuff I can’t control.

I know the answer to help calm my fears but knowing the answer and embodying it and living it are different things. The former is easier than the latter for me. Faith. I need to reclaim my body – readjust to insulin and remember to have faith in whatever powers or being out there that is larger than me. Faith that the world will work out as it should for me. Faith. Maybe if I chant it enough I can ingrain it in me and it will become easier to live it.

I've always been a thinker. My whole life I have enjoyed thinking over doing  - reading, writing - being in my books, my journals, my mind, more than playing sports, being super creative, running around outside. Thinking about this or that, what is or what might be, where I have been, where I am going and what will be.

Growing up everyone thought this was cute about me and it might have been then but honestly it is also exhausting. I am working on getting out of my own head more these days on just being, on having fun, on doing what needs to be done and not worrying about the rest.

If you know me you are laughing right now...I know I am too. Some parts of ourselves we just cannot change - but I am hopeful that I can bend who I am into a more productive direction.

I recognize that worry is a fruitless endeavor that wastes precious time and empties the now of all its fun and promise. So I know this about myself and rather than try to change who I am, I am trying to recognize when I am worried but not let it consume me - to distract myself with the wonder of now...with something concrete in the present.

No time is easier for me to do this then when I am with my niece. At nine months she is getting old enough to explore the world, and certainly to have her opinions - she LIKES bananas and applesauce, she is NOT fond of her potatoes with chunks. She is constantly seeing something new but never worried about what that means or what will be next. Even when she is being made to eat potatoes before getting her applesauce - she is not worrying "dang when I will I have to eat those again?" or "how I can avoid having to eat them again"....She has already moved on and is instead enjoying the applesauce.  When I step outside myself and look at the world from her point of view all she deals with is the RIGHT NOW. She never worries about the future - she doesn't know how yet..and she does not obsess about something that made her unhappy in the past.

As adults it is a bit trickier - we KNOW about the future but we cannot control much of it yet we ...I... fruitlessly try. So when I start to worry about things. I am going to take a look around and see what would make me happy in the moment - remind myself that I am safe, whole and loved - and enjoy the moment. Even as I write this I know it is at least a bit more complex than what I write but I am not sure how to articulate it. But for now I am not going to worry about it.

Happy Sunday.

Because I know the 4 people that read my blog care....I am going to bed tonight feeling much better than when I woke up this morning. Here's to the passing of time and here's to (hopefully) feeling a little better each day.

Sweet dreams.