Authentically Mine

~this post was written for Writer's Island. Go on over and check out the natives!

After many long years I am rising above my biggest fear of all. The fear of failure. I have had smaller fears along the path of my life, I think we all have but until about 2 years ago when I started thinking about having children my fears were always only about me, and somehow that lessened them tremendously. I have a lot of little fears on a daily basis, these I term more as “worrries.” “Will I be able to successfully present on the topic my boss asked me to?” “Can I be the best person I can be today?” and things along those levels.

Fear though is different. It can be paralyzing but I have not let it until the big decision of children came up. Sure I had fear about going away to college. Fleeting fears about marriage and it’s permanency. I shook these fears off, took life by the horns and never looked back on the fear. I just did what had to be done.

Then when we started – about 2 years ago – to talk about having kids – fear ran over me like a train. I had no idea this was what was happening at the time, but hindsight is 20/20. Instead of admitting I wanted this but was scared to death about 100 different things, I made excuses, reasons for it to be a better choice for us not to try. “I couldn’t handle it if something went wrong,” “What if we can’t?” “We just can’t afford it, “ What if I suck as a mother.” All of these fears and others led me to literally convince myself that being child free was the right choice.

Then at some point in the not too distant past, I realized it was all fear talking. I was reading a book at the time titled The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by a Buddhist nun Pema Chodron and as I turned page after page I was seeing my own fears rise to the surface and realize that fear, while often a protective guard, can also be extremely paralyzing and is most often driven by the ego of ourselves.

Shortly after reading some of that book I came across some blog entries of a mom and dad who just had their second child and something about the father’s post and perspective kicked me in the gut and I realized that my fears were coming out in the form of excuses and they had to go. I had to find a way to manage them. I started going to Church, no because I necessarily believe in organized religion but because I believe in a power bigger than me. I started meditating for serenity. And I started taking all the steps I need to get ready to try and have a baby.

I know that I have risk factors. I know I will have to monitor my depression but most of all, if it is decided that if it all works out as the world intends it to that I can manage these things. I can rise above my fears and I can do this…why? Most of all because I want to. Also I have a great support system of family and friends, but that is secondary. Primary is that I have overcome my fear of failing at every turn and the realization of that alone has been a very powerful learning experience for me.

Have you ever had yourself completely convinced of something? I mean so utterly convinced that no one, not your best friend, not your parents, nothing in the whole world would change your mind. Maybe it was who you thought you would marry, or love forever. Perhaps it was which college you KNEW you would get accepted into or the interview that you felt so certain that you aced that you went home and told everyone it was "in the bag"? Have you ever been there?

Have you ever been so utterly certain that you would get annoyed, even mad, with people who might try and tell you to "keep your options open" or "don't set yourself up for disappointment?" Pfff what do they know right. You know whatever "it" is so certainly in your heart that it will NEVER change.

All I can say is I was one of those people and then what I thought changed. Why I cannot say for certain but I know it had been building for awhile and then I read a blog post and just like that what I had been so damn certain about for so long suddenly changed and I got no I gave myself a second chance and now I wonder how I ever thought what I did before.

Never completely close a door (unless it is on something distructive to you) - life is too short.

~this post was written for Writer's Island. Go on over and check out the natives!

When did I change? Why don't we notice it when change is happening. Life goes by in the blink of an eye - perhaps that is the cliche - but the reality is that seventeen years passed between these two photos and wow have I changed.

The irony is that I look more serious in the photo when I was younger than I do in the current photo. I was about 10 in that photo and really why such a serious look? I did not have a care in the world! Hindsight sure is 20/20 and truth be told having cancer when I was three aged me and made me more serious than most kids - I really do think so.

The reality is that while I have always tended toward the serious, unless I am being melodramatic side, one could say that the photo of my on the right is a somewhat false representation of me. It is the me that the world sees. The me that I am on MOST days but not all. The obvious thing that is false about that photo is the Corona I am holding. I never drink beer. I think someone asked me to hold it right before the photo was taken.

Seventeen years between photos so what has changed? I could write about what I have survived, but we have all survived something. I could write about how my achievements have changed me, but everyone has achievements and I personally think it is boring to define oneself by ones achievements. So then how do I say what has changed?

What has changed about me is that I have lived, we all have and like each of us time has both been generous to me, taken its toll at times, and taught me a hell of a lot about life and living. Back when I was younger and carefree I took such a serious photo. I didn't know how to fake it - or maybe I just didn't want to - or maybe the photo was taken in an instant and I did not have time to smile.

As I am older I always have the "photographer radar" on at my family events and when out with certain friends. I have learned that smiling always makes for a better photo so why fight it; even if it means a fake smile. I always want the photos even if I never want them taken so why not be the best you can be in a photo. I wouldn't say I was faking it when the recent photo was taken of me. I was happy. I was at my family holiday party. I was also stressed from the holidays, a job change and my usual winter blahs. But I smile a big happy smile.

Is what has changed how genuine I am to myself? Perhaps a bit. But I am working on authenticity to myself. The world around us has changed in 17 years that is for sure. It was simpler when I was 10 both because of the times and well....because life is almost always simpler when you are 10.

Come by in another 17 years when I am 53 and ask me what has changed.

~ written for Writer's Island. Go on...check it out