Authentically Mine

I have had one of my posts on Depression and Anxiety posted over at Real Mental. Real Mental is a site that is a collaboration of many smart, intelligent, great women (who also happen to be fantastic writers), who have chosen to share honestly and openly about what their illnesses mean to them and impact they have on various aspects of their lives. It is also a place where these women, anonymous posters and guest posters (like myself) can post thebrutally honest stuff that (sometimes) we cannot or chose not to say to others. Many of the regualr posters there have blogs that I have read over the years.

It probably won't win me any Nobel Peace Prizes but it's my voice and it is here. 

Have you ever had yourself completely convinced of something? I mean so utterly convinced that no one, not your best friend, not your parents, nothing in the whole world would change your mind. Maybe it was who you thought you would marry, or love forever. Perhaps it was which college you KNEW you would get accepted into or the interview that you felt so certain that you aced that you went home and told everyone it was "in the bag"? Have you ever been there?

Have you ever been so utterly certain that you would get annoyed, even mad, with people who might try and tell you to "keep your options open" or "don't set yourself up for disappointment?" Pfff what do they know right. You know whatever "it" is so certainly in your heart that it will NEVER change.

All I can say is I was one of those people and then what I thought changed. Why I cannot say for certain but I know it had been building for awhile and then I read a blog post and just like that what I had been so damn certain about for so long suddenly changed and I got no I gave myself a second chance and now I wonder how I ever thought what I did before.

Never completely close a door (unless it is on something distructive to you) - life is too short.

~this post was written for Writer's Island. Go on over and check out the natives!

Hamlet:
"To sleep, perchance to dream-
ay, there's the rub."

Sleep. We all know the basics. Sleep on a good mattress. Get a good 8 hours of sleep a night. Go to bed at the same time. Wake up at the same time. Keep the room on the cool side. Stomach sleeping is not really the best for you...etc. etc.

How can something so simple as closing one's eyes to rest become so complicated? Why... because we live in fast times. 8 hours of sleep is considered a luxury and napping, especially in this country is considered by many as slothful. I, by the way am a happy indulgent sloth who savors a good, under the covers nap quite often.

Sleep can become even more complex. Sleep to escape, to avoid, to deny. But, consider this. If we sleep for any reason other than to rest and replenish do we really sleep well? Chances are it is not a restful sleep but rather a fitful one filled with tosses and turns. As Hamlet says "To sleep, perchance to dream-ay, there's the rub."  Truth be told we cannot escape our inner most demons not even in sleep (at least not with a natural sleep).For many those demons, whatever they be arise with vigor in dreams, unable to be squelched out but the hectic pace of a day or the demands of being awake.

Sleep as with many other things we are born knowing how to do it and it comes easily to us early in life and it is only with the complexities of living that it can become something that we have to work at rather than a rest from our work.

Here's to a good night's sleep to us all.

This post was written for Sunday Scribblings. Go check out all the other Scribblers

When did I change? Why don't we notice it when change is happening. Life goes by in the blink of an eye - perhaps that is the cliche - but the reality is that seventeen years passed between these two photos and wow have I changed.

The irony is that I look more serious in the photo when I was younger than I do in the current photo. I was about 10 in that photo and really why such a serious look? I did not have a care in the world! Hindsight sure is 20/20 and truth be told having cancer when I was three aged me and made me more serious than most kids - I really do think so.

The reality is that while I have always tended toward the serious, unless I am being melodramatic side, one could say that the photo of my on the right is a somewhat false representation of me. It is the me that the world sees. The me that I am on MOST days but not all. The obvious thing that is false about that photo is the Corona I am holding. I never drink beer. I think someone asked me to hold it right before the photo was taken.

Seventeen years between photos so what has changed? I could write about what I have survived, but we have all survived something. I could write about how my achievements have changed me, but everyone has achievements and I personally think it is boring to define oneself by ones achievements. So then how do I say what has changed?

What has changed about me is that I have lived, we all have and like each of us time has both been generous to me, taken its toll at times, and taught me a hell of a lot about life and living. Back when I was younger and carefree I took such a serious photo. I didn't know how to fake it - or maybe I just didn't want to - or maybe the photo was taken in an instant and I did not have time to smile.

As I am older I always have the "photographer radar" on at my family events and when out with certain friends. I have learned that smiling always makes for a better photo so why fight it; even if it means a fake smile. I always want the photos even if I never want them taken so why not be the best you can be in a photo. I wouldn't say I was faking it when the recent photo was taken of me. I was happy. I was at my family holiday party. I was also stressed from the holidays, a job change and my usual winter blahs. But I smile a big happy smile.

Is what has changed how genuine I am to myself? Perhaps a bit. But I am working on authenticity to myself. The world around us has changed in 17 years that is for sure. It was simpler when I was 10 both because of the times and well....because life is almost always simpler when you are 10.

Come by in another 17 years when I am 53 and ask me what has changed.

~ written for Writer's Island. Go on...check it out

I got a new (to me) laptop this weekend from my dad and have spent the better part of last night and today working to get the CD/DVD-ROM driver and the Wireless Remote Access driver updated. The first one is done, the second one I think I know what I have to do but need to connect to a cable modem to download the drivers I need. Needless to say all of this has taken front seat to my writing, which has taken a back seat. I have started the next Creative Writing Exercise from the book What If? Writing Exercises for Fiction Writers and I should have that posted later today or tomorrow.

Adam and I really just hung out this weekend which is nice since he will be gone all week to see his sister. Our consolidation loan was approved and we consolidated all the messy bills here and there into one nice payment per month. Yay! The 2nd car will be paid off in August and then we can pay down the consolidation loan even quicker. Yay!

The last bit of random debt we have will be paid off with our Tax Refund which should come in the next week - two at the most.  I am glad that it is getting all settled and it definitely feels more organized and manageable even though it is the same amount that we have to pay down.

I know it sounds utterly geeky but we also FINALLY got a shredder and a firebox for our important documents. You know some grown up responsible adult things. Yeah that's us...grown up and responsible. I guess it happened somewhere along the way.

My doctor called in some pain medication for my neck last Friday - I was hoping he would have called in something more along the lines of a Flexeral or other muscle relaxant instead of just a pain medication. I would like to relax the muscle and not just cover up the pain. I head back to the chiropractor tomorrow after work in search of a more long term solution.

I am at the library in my town right now with my friend. I like to come and hang out here and read. It ends up that I actually read and don't fall asleep like I do at home!